Letter from 2004 to 2005
Alright kid, sit down and listen, there's a few things you should probably know before you get things rolling and we only have ten seconds or so until the ball drops and it's your turn. Oh, by the way, think twice about felling Dick Clark for this, because they might just let Regis have a go at it and it might just be the most boring New Year's Eve ever. I gotta apologize for that first off. It seemed like a good idea at the time, you know? Sometimes you just don't know a good thing until it's gone. Now my own year ends lamely, but what can you do...
Alright, here we go, last ten seconds. Wake up a little, will you Regis? Christ. Anyway! First order of business in the year, make sure there's a great big snowstorm somewhere in America. The colder the better, so everyone really gets their panties in a wad. This'll get them going, you know? The people, I mean. They'll be calling it the storm of the year because they don't have an original thought in their heads. This'll lead on to reports about the high cost of heating oil and frankly, after that the year will almost run itself. Oh sure, you could do something interesting and have oil and gas prices drop, but to be honest I didn't work in any framework for that in 2004 so you'll have to really work to make that happen.
Second off, war in Iraq: don't touch it. The big boys have that all set for 2007, just follow the plans they faxed you. Besides, you're gonna have enough excitement on your hands with Russia. P.S., don't tackle that one until late summer at the earliest.
Oh, hey, have you got your three inane murder trials all lined up? Great. All white females as victims, right? That one's really important.
I think that's really all there's time to go over...oh, one more thing. People are gonna attach themselves to you in a big way. It's just a mind thing, you know? 2005 is an attractive number. Mature but not too far into a decade no one ever thought they'd see.
I think you'll do fine, kid. Let me tell you, I wish 2003 had given me this kind of consideration. Some words of advice or a vote of confidence. Anything, you know? The big boys wouldn't even talk to me until a couple months ago. I don't know, maybe they just don't like me. You're gonna find a lot of people who say that in this coming year, I think. That I was the "Year of the Asshole" or something like that. Just remember me like I am now. That's all I ask. I had my reasons for doing what I did. Maybe if anyone ever thought to f'ing talk to me they'd know what those reasons were.
Here we go! 2...1...I'm out!
Alright, here we go, last ten seconds. Wake up a little, will you Regis? Christ. Anyway! First order of business in the year, make sure there's a great big snowstorm somewhere in America. The colder the better, so everyone really gets their panties in a wad. This'll get them going, you know? The people, I mean. They'll be calling it the storm of the year because they don't have an original thought in their heads. This'll lead on to reports about the high cost of heating oil and frankly, after that the year will almost run itself. Oh sure, you could do something interesting and have oil and gas prices drop, but to be honest I didn't work in any framework for that in 2004 so you'll have to really work to make that happen.
Second off, war in Iraq: don't touch it. The big boys have that all set for 2007, just follow the plans they faxed you. Besides, you're gonna have enough excitement on your hands with Russia. P.S., don't tackle that one until late summer at the earliest.
Oh, hey, have you got your three inane murder trials all lined up? Great. All white females as victims, right? That one's really important.
I think that's really all there's time to go over...oh, one more thing. People are gonna attach themselves to you in a big way. It's just a mind thing, you know? 2005 is an attractive number. Mature but not too far into a decade no one ever thought they'd see.
I think you'll do fine, kid. Let me tell you, I wish 2003 had given me this kind of consideration. Some words of advice or a vote of confidence. Anything, you know? The big boys wouldn't even talk to me until a couple months ago. I don't know, maybe they just don't like me. You're gonna find a lot of people who say that in this coming year, I think. That I was the "Year of the Asshole" or something like that. Just remember me like I am now. That's all I ask. I had my reasons for doing what I did. Maybe if anyone ever thought to f'ing talk to me they'd know what those reasons were.
Here we go! 2...1...I'm out!
posted by greenland at 11:59 PM
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