Letter from a Demoralized Clown
I just...god. I only wanted to make children happy, you know?
There is so much happiness in being able to hold your own child in your arms. There is so much love that it dwarfs every other matter. You will be more fierce and at the same time more gentle than you ever thought possible; you will live solely for the purpose of protecting and guiding this innocence. In that regard, I can't blame her decision to push for sole custody of William. I miss him so much, though. God and heavenly Jesus... He'll be two next week.
One of the great things about William is how he smiled at everything. He's a luminous little boy, tapping into this deep well of happiness that I wish...I thought I could find it if I clowned for children. It would put smiles on their faces, and it would give me something really meaningful to do. Also it would pay the alimony that I owe her every month. I've never been behind on those payments, not once. I'll admit there have been a few close calls, but she's never wanted for William, she's never wanted for anything in her entire fu--. That's another 50 cents in the jar. I am working through the swearing thing. I am.
Did you know clown colleges are in the yellow pages? Still! Even in this wireless information age, you can still find these things just by cracking open a book some dude tosses at your door once a month. (Or that you stole from town hall, not that anyone needs to know about that.) There are two of them within a forty minute distance from here. Who would have ever thought? There's nothing but hills in this part of New York. Hills and fishin' holes.
I do most of my work in the Buffalo area suburbs, which is usually an hour and a half from Olean. I'm thinking when I get back on my big goofy clown feet I'll hit up the Cleveland market about two hours west. Which is good, you know, because sometimes a change in your life can be a real motivator. Sometimes it's completely forced on you, but you have to keep running with it all the same. I need to repeat that at least five times a day. I need to really let that sink in, you know. Five times a day.
I'm not ready to talk about the daycare yet, so please don't bring that up... Yeah I know you're concerned but, I mean, you're a guest in my house and I asked you not to... No, it wasn't anything like that, get your mind...get it out of the gutter. Everyone has their mind in the gutter, everyone is always ready to assume the worst about someone they don't even know. They don't even know what I look like in real life! All they've seen is the clown makeup and the wig! That's not me! Not even this...not even this flannel and and and this hat. That's not even me. Nobody is who they look to be and you'd think that as a parent, as a parent they would know this. They would be able to sense people like they sense the soul of their child.
It was just that one little kid. That one little malevolent sh...brat who just had to keep going. I was just the entertainment! That kids presents costed more than I did and he doesn't have alimony to pay! He doesn't have insurance and phone bills and oil bills that rocket higher every month! It's not my fault! There are things that clowns do that are perfectly normal! It wasn't me! I don't want to talk about this! I don't want to talk about this!! I can't talk about this!! MY THERAPIST SAYS I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS!!
Oh God, I can't breathe. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe. You gotta...gotta run to the bathroom. The orange thing with the pills. I can't breathe. I just wanted to make them smile. I just wanted to spread happiness. Look at what you've done to me, you cunt. I lost control again. You make me lose control. I wish I had never met you. Look at the mess. The children will never trust me again. I want to see William, goddammit. I'll do anything to be with him. I can't...thank you. Oh Jesus...oh that's better. That's great. Fuck... I can't -- you should leave now.
They took my clowning license away, you know. This world doesn't think I deserve anything.
There is so much happiness in being able to hold your own child in your arms. There is so much love that it dwarfs every other matter. You will be more fierce and at the same time more gentle than you ever thought possible; you will live solely for the purpose of protecting and guiding this innocence. In that regard, I can't blame her decision to push for sole custody of William. I miss him so much, though. God and heavenly Jesus... He'll be two next week.
One of the great things about William is how he smiled at everything. He's a luminous little boy, tapping into this deep well of happiness that I wish...I thought I could find it if I clowned for children. It would put smiles on their faces, and it would give me something really meaningful to do. Also it would pay the alimony that I owe her every month. I've never been behind on those payments, not once. I'll admit there have been a few close calls, but she's never wanted for William, she's never wanted for anything in her entire fu--. That's another 50 cents in the jar. I am working through the swearing thing. I am.
Did you know clown colleges are in the yellow pages? Still! Even in this wireless information age, you can still find these things just by cracking open a book some dude tosses at your door once a month. (Or that you stole from town hall, not that anyone needs to know about that.) There are two of them within a forty minute distance from here. Who would have ever thought? There's nothing but hills in this part of New York. Hills and fishin' holes.
I do most of my work in the Buffalo area suburbs, which is usually an hour and a half from Olean. I'm thinking when I get back on my big goofy clown feet I'll hit up the Cleveland market about two hours west. Which is good, you know, because sometimes a change in your life can be a real motivator. Sometimes it's completely forced on you, but you have to keep running with it all the same. I need to repeat that at least five times a day. I need to really let that sink in, you know. Five times a day.
I'm not ready to talk about the daycare yet, so please don't bring that up... Yeah I know you're concerned but, I mean, you're a guest in my house and I asked you not to... No, it wasn't anything like that, get your mind...get it out of the gutter. Everyone has their mind in the gutter, everyone is always ready to assume the worst about someone they don't even know. They don't even know what I look like in real life! All they've seen is the clown makeup and the wig! That's not me! Not even this...not even this flannel and and and this hat. That's not even me. Nobody is who they look to be and you'd think that as a parent, as a parent they would know this. They would be able to sense people like they sense the soul of their child.
It was just that one little kid. That one little malevolent sh...brat who just had to keep going. I was just the entertainment! That kids presents costed more than I did and he doesn't have alimony to pay! He doesn't have insurance and phone bills and oil bills that rocket higher every month! It's not my fault! There are things that clowns do that are perfectly normal! It wasn't me! I don't want to talk about this! I don't want to talk about this!! I can't talk about this!! MY THERAPIST SAYS I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS!!
Oh God, I can't breathe. I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe. You gotta...gotta run to the bathroom. The orange thing with the pills. I can't breathe. I just wanted to make them smile. I just wanted to spread happiness. Look at what you've done to me, you cunt. I lost control again. You make me lose control. I wish I had never met you. Look at the mess. The children will never trust me again. I want to see William, goddammit. I'll do anything to be with him. I can't...thank you. Oh Jesus...oh that's better. That's great. Fuck... I can't -- you should leave now.
They took my clowning license away, you know. This world doesn't think I deserve anything.
posted by greenland at 4:20 PM
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