Letter from An Enlightened Husband

Married life can be an adventure all its own! (Or at least that's what I heard.) And I can't not say that my own marriage to Deborah has been any different. I have grown in many ways! No no no, don't pick up that remote control, boys, come back! I've got something kind of important to say to you guys, something that you only learn after being locked in the arms of years of unceasing marital bliss. And that important thing is this: Men and women truly are equal. Just in different ways.

For example...I don't mind being the one to cook! In fact, you can get a powerful sense of satisfaction from being able to deliver a meal for the pleasure of your loved ones. Whenever I swing by McD's or KFC on the way home from work I always phone ahead to see if she wants anything. And if she's not in the mood for anything, I get her something anyway! If she doesn't eat it later, I will, so it's not like it's going to waste or anything.

I watch my weight just as much as she does, too, so dispel that myth out of your silly head right now! It's a MUTUAL responsibility between my wife and I to not get fat on each other. I see all those reports on TV about "the fattest country in the world" and "rising obesity rates" and I go "NOT ME!" and "NOT MY WIFE EITHER!" I make sure to point to her whenever I see something getting a little by the wayside, and I wouldn't mind if she did the same. (I have gotten a little puffy since last year, enough that I had to buy a new belt. But she hasn't said anything so I must not look too bad!)

What's most important is that I don't let anyone disrespect my wife, EVER. And I'm not talking about bullshit like someone making a move on her or catcalls on the street or anything like that, I'm talking ANYTHING. You wouldn't believe how insidious and commonplace someone's disrespect can be, just based on someone's gender. Like when we go to restaurants? The waiter (or waitress!) always assumes that my wife wants water. What? She might not want soda? Or wine? Or a beer? Why do you think a woman can't have a beer??? Bring my wife a beer! It happens every time! It's gotten so bad that I don't even take her out to dinner anymore. Freakin' racists.

Although, the more things change, the more they stay the same. My wife is still very much a woman when it comes to opening jars or serving as a receptacle for the pulsing torrents of my man-genes. And when she and the gals get together for another one of their interventions, I do the gentlemanly thing and head off to the bar for a few hours.

And I haven't TOTALLY escaped the luring, woolen comfort of testosterone. There are times when I just zone COMPLETELY out and become totally preoccupied with my work as a heart surgeon. And I'm constantly trying to fix things that I have no experience fixing, or trying to give them...woof woof...more POWER! (I loved that show! Why'd they cancel it?)

But boys...and make no mistake you little quivering dick bumps, before you experience the loving hellstorm of marriage then you are STILL boys...you should strive to meet your wife halfway on everything. Listen to what she has to say, even if it's about having a baby, always ask what's wrong if she's crying, don't forget the anniversaries or birthdays (MS Outlook Calendar is good at this), and insist she pay half the gas bill with her own money. You heard right! Couples share the good AND bad things together.

Even if the cunt blames you for all of the bad things.