Letter from the Developer of an Ill-Conceived TV Show

Well that's it for me. The word came down from the executive board and Disney shareholders. America has a harshly negative view of "Welcome To The Neighborhood" and so it has to go, because god forbid the Disney-Channel-That-Isn't-The-Disney-Channel release anything controversial and CERTAIN TO BE WATCHED BY MILLIONS. They just had to tell me today, too. Jesus. I'll be guzzling ulcer bromide and vodka all weekend. Maybe I'll mix it all in a bucket and then drown myself in it. Middle fingers in the air and an American flag on my ass.

I just don't get people sometimes. No, make that all the time. The human animal is a friggin' mystery and a half to me. You wouldn't believe how happy I was when reality television came into vogue and my services were called upon. "You mean I get to fuck with people's heads and get paid handsomely for it?" As long as we delivered a happy ending and a paycheck to all the disgruntled then we got to do anything we want. I guess that's all coming to an end now.

I mean, what the fuck ABC...you can stick four women who get their minds fucked out on an episodic basis in a primetime slot and not get a single complaint. Nevermind that it's still drivel that reduces everyone's personality to a single note (and then, shock! Surprise! It turns out people think other thoughts and you've got yourself a season finale cliffhanger). As long as the right wing gets to jack off to it while their community isn't watching then you're not going to hear a peep.

Can you believe the right wingers actually protested my show? They wanted to make sure the white people didn't come off bad. They went on the record and SAID THIS kind of thing and I'm getting punished for it. Maybe we should have included the stripper mom in the promos, I bet that would greased the rails.

I'm not even mad that people are being hypocrites over this show. I'm just mad that it's actually affecting my life, I'm mad that I'm getting mad over this. What's the point of developing TV shows for one of the Big 5 if you can't stick a dagger in the viewing public's eye? (Metaphorically.) I was so looking forward to this show sparking arguments all over. Who would the neighbors persecute next? The gay couple? The blacks? The tattoo freaks? Witches? Asians? Hispanics? All of them! That was the answer. And that would have shown us all for what we really are: Selfish pricks with heads full of shit.

I'll be the first to admit that, flat out. I am one, you are one, we're all this way. And that's what makes this country so much fun, is that none of us will admit that and subsequently it makes everything all fucked up and difficult. And I wanted to REVEL in it! That's what this show was all about! And maybe, just maybe, there would be some understanding and some healing.

Or not. I really didn't care if there would be. I haven't even watched the completed episodes, to tell you the truth, and I'm not even sure what the point of the show was for me. All I know is that it was gonna be a shitstorm! And maybe that's why I'm sad, because now the shitstorm is over before it even got a chance to begin.

Tinseltown. Ain't nothing good about this place.