Letter from the Guy Who Writes The Cover Copy For DVD's
I should warn you. The most creative thing I've written today was "There are tons of creature feature delights in the supernatural thriller Pumpkinhead. After the scream-filled finale, you'll never sleep with the lantern off. Just make sure it's not a Jack O'Lantern!" I don't know what the movie is about. They told me it was horror genre and the cover depicts a gaunt figure with a scary pumpkin for a head. Flames are coming out of his jagged rind of a mouth. So I improvised. I'm encouraged to watch the movies I write about, but I feel that doing so would be too much to ask of myself.
This job is the worst thing to happen to me since my high school prom. It's evil is insidious, a gradual erosion of my happiness. I answered an ad in the paper a year and a half ago and it led to my current drudgery. All I do every day for weeks and weeks is write cover copy for terrible DVD's. At first it seemed funny, quirky, almost endearing. I'd get paid for writing and probably have time to finally finally finally finish the first draft of my novel.
Nope.
Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice is next. Um. Hmmmm. I don't know. The cover just has two guys slamming against each other with spittle and ice and all sorts of other moist things frozen there in the frame. They're both very angry. This one could be straight-ahead sports rivalry or it could be over a woman. I better play it safe and just be vague. The more hockey puns I can think of then the less plot I'll have to disclose. "The cold rivalry between the two teams has never been as intense as this, but can they overcome each other's frigid indifference in time to face a greater threat. The..."
Hm. Yeah, not so good. I'll have to look the plot up on IMDB later.
Sometimes when I get bored, which is very often, I'll just stare at the DVD box covers and imagine the long strange trip these oddball titles have made. Someone out there with money actually spent time compiling the...let's see here...2004 Wisconsin Ice Skating Semi-Finals Highlights. And this person actually thought there was profit to be made from this. They must still think that, because it's on my desk awaiting a back cover description.
I wonder if the Wisconsin skaters on this tape had to sign off on this? There must be a voice-over narration on this, too. I wonder who you hire to do that. Do you get your lawyer, the most authorative voice you can think of, to do that or do you actually hold tryouts? Was there a want ad one day in the Kenosha Kronicle? What kind of jobless 20-something finds that kind of ad and thinks...hey, that's for me? I wish I had seen that ad. I totally would have done it.
I get DVD's of all kinds here in this office. Well, except, you know, good ones. I wish I could have done the back cover copy on Batman Begins or something cool like that. Just once. Just once! Something that I know would be sitting in millions of homes. I would always be able to call on something like that whenever I felt blue. It would cheer me up while I do the copy to, let's see here... Beach Patrol: The Entire Series.
Jesus, this one has episode commentaries. "Do you remember this day? The sun was wicked and the sand was so hot. The wind was always blowing it everywhere. It was insane. I totally believe it's winter though. The tight sweaters that Caitlin and Theresa are wearing, thats how you can tell. That's all Yuri. He's the best costume manager in the business. Yuri? Yuri do you want to say anything about this scene?"
The entire series!
Sometimes we get private DVD's, like this one from the Torrington High School class reunion, class of '85. Or promotional things from political rallies. Or employee motivational ones for retail chains. Those are the best. I hate this job, I mean, I really fucking hate this job. It's mind-numbing, repetitious drone work where I am constantly reminded of the endless stupidity of mankind and of the things they'll spend money on instead of giving to charities or the homeless. And I'd just plain out kill myself if I didn't get to work out of my apartment. But for all that, I really wouldn't be able to stand working in retail.
Alright, who's next in the pile who's next...oh! Oh yeah! This isn't exactly a good DVD but it's certainly close enough. A Girls Gone Wild knock-off series called Out Of Control. Like I said, I very rarely watch these DVD's but, heh, looks like it's time to take a little break.
Oh what now? The phone's ringing? Who could possibly be calling me? This is probably a telemarketer. So annoying.
Shit.
They just fired me.
What the f$%*!
This job is the worst thing to happen to me since my high school prom. It's evil is insidious, a gradual erosion of my happiness. I answered an ad in the paper a year and a half ago and it led to my current drudgery. All I do every day for weeks and weeks is write cover copy for terrible DVD's. At first it seemed funny, quirky, almost endearing. I'd get paid for writing and probably have time to finally finally finally finish the first draft of my novel.
Nope.
Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice is next. Um. Hmmmm. I don't know. The cover just has two guys slamming against each other with spittle and ice and all sorts of other moist things frozen there in the frame. They're both very angry. This one could be straight-ahead sports rivalry or it could be over a woman. I better play it safe and just be vague. The more hockey puns I can think of then the less plot I'll have to disclose. "The cold rivalry between the two teams has never been as intense as this, but can they overcome each other's frigid indifference in time to face a greater threat. The..."
Hm. Yeah, not so good. I'll have to look the plot up on IMDB later.
Sometimes when I get bored, which is very often, I'll just stare at the DVD box covers and imagine the long strange trip these oddball titles have made. Someone out there with money actually spent time compiling the...let's see here...2004 Wisconsin Ice Skating Semi-Finals Highlights. And this person actually thought there was profit to be made from this. They must still think that, because it's on my desk awaiting a back cover description.
I wonder if the Wisconsin skaters on this tape had to sign off on this? There must be a voice-over narration on this, too. I wonder who you hire to do that. Do you get your lawyer, the most authorative voice you can think of, to do that or do you actually hold tryouts? Was there a want ad one day in the Kenosha Kronicle? What kind of jobless 20-something finds that kind of ad and thinks...hey, that's for me? I wish I had seen that ad. I totally would have done it.
I get DVD's of all kinds here in this office. Well, except, you know, good ones. I wish I could have done the back cover copy on Batman Begins or something cool like that. Just once. Just once! Something that I know would be sitting in millions of homes. I would always be able to call on something like that whenever I felt blue. It would cheer me up while I do the copy to, let's see here... Beach Patrol: The Entire Series.
Jesus, this one has episode commentaries. "Do you remember this day? The sun was wicked and the sand was so hot. The wind was always blowing it everywhere. It was insane. I totally believe it's winter though. The tight sweaters that Caitlin and Theresa are wearing, thats how you can tell. That's all Yuri. He's the best costume manager in the business. Yuri? Yuri do you want to say anything about this scene?"
The entire series!
Sometimes we get private DVD's, like this one from the Torrington High School class reunion, class of '85. Or promotional things from political rallies. Or employee motivational ones for retail chains. Those are the best. I hate this job, I mean, I really fucking hate this job. It's mind-numbing, repetitious drone work where I am constantly reminded of the endless stupidity of mankind and of the things they'll spend money on instead of giving to charities or the homeless. And I'd just plain out kill myself if I didn't get to work out of my apartment. But for all that, I really wouldn't be able to stand working in retail.
Alright, who's next in the pile who's next...oh! Oh yeah! This isn't exactly a good DVD but it's certainly close enough. A Girls Gone Wild knock-off series called Out Of Control. Like I said, I very rarely watch these DVD's but, heh, looks like it's time to take a little break.
Oh what now? The phone's ringing? Who could possibly be calling me? This is probably a telemarketer. So annoying.
Shit.
They just fired me.
What the f$%*!
posted by greenland at 7:03 PM
<< Home